…but the hills of Iowa make me wish that I could
Happy belated New Year. The year we just saw out provided me with a wide view of everything, it seems much to massive to try to remember everything that I considered important at certain moments. Actually it seems very overwhelming, when did my life become so cluttered and full? Arg. What ever happened to the feeling of emotional freedom, now I see the ties to ever action of every person… I just want ties to a few people around me. Once again, arg… definitely arg.
My winter break was less than extraordinary, being pulled in between happiness, sadness, and anger; all of which ended up in a aura of confusion. There were very many times that I was very happy during break, but as it is, there was the opposite, the many times I felt sad and angry. The anger I won’t go into, but more importantly my sadness resided with Max. I’ve already emptied out on that subject, but it is still sad… which i think is a good sign.
My happiness, on the other hand, was due in part to four people: Mom, Dad, Meagan, and of course Jessica. My parents are my personal champions, nothing like a good fight with a University to bring the family together. We really stuck together and I believe that shows that we might be just as screwed up as any other family, but when the metaphorical feces hits the metaphorical fan nobody is more cohesive than the four of us. And Meagan, she has really surprised me; for a while now I thought young teenagers were devoid of any empathy or emotion beyond their own wants, but Meagan showed me that I was wrong. She actually told me that what was happening to me made her feel bad, out of all the people that told me same thing, it meant the most coming from her. She is well on her way to becoming a good person.
Jessica… She is truly my saving grace. The many hours I spent angry or sad she was still steadfast in making me feel better, she is good at that. I am sure if I did not have her companionship right now I would be an amazing ball of anger, sadness, and loneliness but she is definitely an anchor. Nothing made me feel better than visiting her for four days in Bend. I cannot convey how much I needed that, I didn’t know it myself but in retrospect it was a great therapy. I enjoyed helping out on her ranch, especially feeding the cattle. I got to ride in the back of a trailer and throw hay. Jessica and her mom took me on one of the best walks I will ever claim to have ever been on. Going on a walk is great in itself, but there is something about walking in snow that makes the moment have a hint of mysticism. Though heading back home was a very hard thing for me to do, as my bus pulled away from Jessica a voice in my head said “what are you doing, you idiot?” Up until then I’ve never had an urge to jump from a bus.
And finally, my happiness can also be contributed to Tolley, my family’s new dog. Half Mastiff half Newfoundland. This dog is and will be huge. His mother and father were 150 and 200 pounds respectively. He is a smart dog too, he’s picked up the skill of not peeing on the living room carpe
Posted on January 12, 2002, in jess, random whine, tails & paws and tagged death, Max, Tolley, Where the Heart Is. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on …but the hills of Iowa make me wish that I could.