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the further I go, more letters from home never arrive

This is why I shouldn’t be shut off from humanity for days at a time, I tend to dwell in my own meta-cognition–see below:Maybe I am just absorbing of some of the “oh man, my life is going to be changing drastically” feelings from my sister and her move to college. I’ve spent a couple of nights with sleepless beginnings trying to figure out how every thing is supposed to work out. Moving, jobs, money, houses, and morgages… it’s all just too much adult stuff. It’s hard to believe that it is all coming closer and closer with every morning, I think that’s why I’ve been sleeping in until 11, my little rebellion against being a grown up, at least for 2 hours every day. I am still constantly surprised that no one is shocked about me becoming a teacher… I was always expecting, “dude, you’re a goof off” or “I thought you had to have a higher maturity level than the kids you teach”. As well, I could just be dwelling in the same feelings I do at every major diviation from my comfortable known universe. There is a certain safety in that, yet, there is a massive swelling of excitement about what’s to come. Mostly that I want my own house. Nothing awe-inspiring, just a nice three story farm house with very wide square posts that border the porch–that’s all I’m asking for. Personally, (and I’ve probably said this before) I don’t think that I look like an adult, to be accurate, I think that I look like some awkward form of man-boy. a moy. Sometimes I really wonder how successful I can be in the face of a world that seems already past capacity for people.

Then I think, screw it–I’ll give it a good try.

 

If I’m well you can tell she’s been with me now

Excluding German 201, things are going good, well, relatively. I have now come to the conclusion (in my waning months of my senior year) that I have chosen the wrong major for myself, this isn’t to say that Philosophy isn’t super-fantastic, because it is, but it is not as super-fantastic Education or Special Education. Ironically, in the remaining three terms I have left at the University of Oregon I think i have found my calling, I’ve always been a late bloomer, so why does this surprise me? So as you may have guessed I am taking a Special Education (SPED) and an Education (ED) class and I and I feel as though I am extremely successful at them. I may be getting my second and third ‘A’s of my college career (also ironic, my first ‘A’ was achieved in the first term of my Freshman year.) I can easily understand the material, the reading is engaging (oh, and 14th century Jewish philosophy isn’t fun reading?) so I think i might have made a small mistake being a Philosophy major, I should have gone with my life long gut feeling of education. Any road….
So I’ve hurt myself again, while playing racquetball I went flying backwards into a wall, making for a spectacular pup on my back. To make a long and quite unspectacular story short, the doctors aren’t sure yet what I did to my ribs except that they hurt and that I needed strong pain killers. On the subject of pain killers, may i just say that as a person who doesn’t sleep well, these are a small little angles with Vicodin stamped on them. So needless to say the last couple of days I’ve been very well rested.
I’ve come to the conclusion that i enjoy living by myself, lets just put it this way: I can be the master of my own domain. My messes are my own and therefore i’m not as disgusted cleaning them up. I don’t think I was meant to live with people who I’m not particularly close to… There is just something wrong about cutting a tube of sausage and then leaving both the wrapper and the knife out on the counter all day, needless to say, it wasn’t my sausage. ick. If I try the path of good naturedness and understanding means I’m a good person right? Or a Schmuck?
Finally, its really nice to see two parts of your life fit together so well. I really enjoy seeing Jessica hanging around with my family. First, it was my sister came and stayed with me for a couple of days, we played mini golf, played video games (which i kicked her butt at Dance Dance Revolution), and had a somewhat impromptu parade. Jessica and Meagan seem to really enjoy each other’s company, especially when it comes to making fun of me, which is fine by me because it is a sign of respect or at least admiration… or so I’m told. And then when Jessica and I spent the day with my mom, it just feels like one big family… i wish my family liked me as much as they liked Jessica, but you’ve got to take what you can get. I don’t think i realized how important my family’s feelings about my girlfriend were until (I finally got a girlfriend) saw Jessica with everyone of my family members and how much they liked and adored her. Best chance I ever took.

all right, Vicodin is kicking in, time for bed.