Maybe it is just me getting cynical with the world, but I find myself becoming more and more leather skinned in regards to the people… I believe that humanity as a whole has an inherent problem with anyone being happy… if one must suffer, all must suffer. This is a sad notion, each day I find it more and more difficult to get up in the morning and smile. I remember as a kid waking up and being greeted with smiling faces and warm emotions, but now, heading into my adult life I wake up to a frown upon everyone’s down turned faces, the only emotion that I can derive from anyone is their utter disgust with my existence and how I take from the overall of what should be theirs. Maybe, for some unknown reason, I grew up idealistic and full of great thoughts of the world being this open place that welcomes all into its bountiful borders, but instead I find it to be a cold closed off small cube of contempt and dissatisfaction. What ever happened to one person can help change the world… now it seems more like one person can try through out their lives to change the world, but if their actions to be seen by someone else, they will be scorned, laughed at, and in the end, ignored. The world does not seek to be a loving place, the world strives to become a place that is constantly raped and pillaged by a few, where as the many have to kill each other for the fantasy scraps and crumbs that the rapists and pillages say exists.
I find it more and more difficult to laugh. There is nothing funny anymore. Nothing seems to be truly funny anymore, if something is truly funny it is fleeting… never to be remembered. What is there to laugh about? How you are different from me? How one stereotype about this one culture is so damn funny because it isn’t like me? Or how someone else believes in a god, or even a god similar to mine, but still it isn’t mine? Everything now that is considered funny, all has the stamp of hate.
I find it more and more difficult to be nice… I like being nice, it makes me feel good, but people suddenly at this age, start to scorn people who are nice. I feel like utter crap at times, even when I am trying to be a decent person… some say “Stop being nice, you are getting used.” Well… damn it, I’d rather be nice and get used than being mean and feared. So what if I am being used… you know what, maybe that doesn’t put forth a flaw in myself, but it shows a flaw in the person who is using me. No one cares for the nice anymore. It is no longer “in”… if it was ever. I can show you scores of nice people who fall victim to the label of being nice, and they are used and thrown away. Nothing more than that brief helpfulness… could they be a romantic partner… no… they are too nice, too giving… but they can help me do this… and this… and this… Maybe I am being a tad bit dramatic… but seriously… people find it so incredibly easy to use me for their purposes, but then never consider me for anything beyond a tool… it is quite devastating… in the last couple of years I have found myself examining the path upon which my life lies on, more often… the one of giving to the world and asking very little in return; but the world is too selfish just to give up that little bit that helps me give much more. At times I ponder why I don’t go into a field that will bring me a lot of money, I can own lots of stuff, and go a lot of places I’ve always wanted to go…. but no, here I am, in a school of study that I know will only lead me in one direction, and that is teaching… I could work on computers or be an architect… but no, I want to have an impact on youth, I want to make sure they are comfortable and happy with who they are, what they want to do, and what they learn… but does the world give me kudos for wanting to do this… no… and screw the world for not noticing… I don’t need it, because I will continue to strive for my future of financial uncertainty, but it is couple with a future of that I can be sure of how my karma exists.
The world is a sad place. I really regret having to say that, but it is true. How can I be expected to try and make a difference while I have everyone standing behind me shaking their heads? Denial. I will deny all the nays, and go forth, headlong into what I have chosen… so what if I live not so comfortably when I’m old… so what if I can’t by that $30,000 SUV? So what if women pass me by as boyfriend or husband because someone who is caring and nice, but not attractive isn’t enough of an attraction? So what if I don’t get the wife and family I always thought I would? What does it matter? It doesn’t, yes I will mourn the passing of my dreams, but this is no where near enough to quiet my future calling. Forget the world and its negative presence, I continue on stronger than before.